To Whomever Left Ice Cream in my Freezer

I'll assume that it wasn't William Carlos Williams, and that I must now explain myself.

Your ice cream was lost to the French Renaissance writer Francois de Rabelais, who believed that it was best to please the physical appetites with whatever's at hand, and not feel guilty or hung up about it. The spirit of Rabelais possessed me from beyond the grave and, despite my valiant efforts to fend him off, he used my mouth to devour your frozen confection, which I will replace at first opportunity.

So sorry. I must now go back to licking the carton.